The Optimistic Child.

by Martin Seligman

A Revolutionary Approach to Raising Resilient Children

I’m a great fan of Martin Seligman, and his work in founding the field of Positive Psychology;  which is: The scientific study of the strengths that enable individuals and communities to thrive. The field is founded on the belief that people want to lead meaningful and fulfilling lives, to cultivate what is best within themselves, and to enhance their experiences of love, work, and play.

This book brings to the forefront the responsibility that we as parents carry, in helping to wire our children to experience the world in an optimistic manner, and guard against unfounded pessimism. Ongoing pessimism (in both children and adults) can lead towards depression, which takes monumental effort and understanding to counteract. Things can’t always be sunshine and rainbows of course, and its important to understand that optimism that is not accurate is empty. Seligman’s work gives us the tools to teach children to take a more realistic view of themselves, and to teach optimism, along with accuracy.

As I witness my teenagers navigate the various challenges that come their way, I’d like to teach them to frame things both positively (and accurately!) in order for them to identify the best courses of action to follow. Perfection is impossible, but positive intent helps to pave the way to progress. The best starting point, of course, is to set the example with my own behaviour. We can all fall into the trap of unnecessarily framing things in a negative manner. People are inherently good, and problems are largely solve-able, and our mindsets are the key to opening the door to the sunshine out there!

Key take outs for me:

·      Society has changed from an achieving society to a “feel-good” society – sometimes to the detriment of the self-confidence and resilience of our children.

·      Parents can rush in to protect children from negative feelings as a consequence of a feel-good culture.

·      Challenges, hardships and strong emotions serve a purpose – they can galvanize us into action to change our circumstances, and the action helps counteract negative emotions.

·      Cushioning frustrations and avoiding challenges can impede persistence, which makes mastery harder to achieve.

·      Optimism does not live in positive phrases or images of victory, but in the way that we think about causes of events – our explanatory style.

·      Confirmation Bias: We see more readily the facts that support our beliefs than the facts that contradict them (both positive and negative).

Understanding the different explanatory styles:

1.     Permanence (sometimes vs always): This is the belief that the causes of bad events are temporary. Examples: You sometimes (vs always) forget your manners! Today I played badly vs I always play badly.

2.     Pervasiveness (specific vs global): Projecting a negative effect across many different situations in your life (global) rather than being specific. Examples: Teachers are unfair! vs Mrs. Brown is unfair. I’m useless at all sports! vs I’m not good at tennis.

3.     Personal (internal vs external): Deciding who is at fault – blaming themselves, or being open-minded about the cause/circumstances. Example: She didn’t come to my part because I’m boring! vs She didn’t come to my party because she had other plans.

People who continually believe bad events are permanent, pervasive and personal tend to be pessimists, and can find themselves at a heightened risk of depression. Optimistic parents tend to have optimistic children – they learn our explanatory style by watching, of course. Optimistic parents see failures as challenges and encourage reacting with action, and harboring hope.

The four basic skills of Optimism taught by Cognitive Therapy:

1.     THOUGHT CATCHING – Recognizing the thoughts that cross your mind at the times you feel worst.

2.     EVALUATING THESE AUTOMATIC THOUGHTS – Acknowledging that the things you say to yourself are not necessarily accurate.

3.     GENERATING ALTERNATIVE EXPLANATIONS – More accurate explanations that you can use to challenge your automatic thoughts.

4.     DECATASTROPHIZING – Evaluating more accurately the likelihood of the catastrophes that you fear.

THE ABC Model as a Tool:

A = Adversity (any negative event or problem)

B = Beliefs and Interpretations about A

C = Consequences (how you feel and behave following the adversity)

B causes C!

Teaching Problem Solving and Social Skills:

**Not just to our children – we would do well to remember these points in our businesses too!

3 Rules of Thumb:

1.     Don’t solve every problem for your child.

2.     Once you give your child space to solve their own problems, don’t be over-critical of their attempts.

3.     Model a flexible problem-solving strategy yourself. A great way to do this is by thinking through a balanced viewpoint out loud.

5 Steps for Problem Solving:

1.     Slowing Down – Stop and think (cool thoughts rather than hot thoughts!)

2.     Perspective Taking – Stand in the other persons shoes (try to understand what they were thinking or why they could have acted that way).

3.     Goal Setting – Decide what you would like to have happen and set a goal. List the possible ways you could reach that goal.

4.     Choosing a Path – Decide which course of action offers the best solution to the problem (Plus’s and Minuses).

5.     Check if it Worked – and consider trying another solution if it didn’t.

There are multiple helpful scenarios and examples within the book, as well as worksheets. Id struggle to get my teenagers to do the worksheets with me, but after reading this I’m ultra-aware of the multiple opportunities I have to demonstrate optimism, realistic thinking, and a positive explanatory style to them, through my handling of my own challenges. As always, best to work on myself first before I try to fix anyone else!