Untangled.

By Lisa Damour.

Guiding teenage girls through the seven transitions into adulthood.

I first read this book around 5 years ago after hearing Lisa Damour on a podcast (Rich Roll, episode 438) and decided to read it again this year, having advanced much further down the teenager track. I found it to be an extremely helpful read, packed full of informative and actionable advice. It gives a wonderfully fresh perspective on what a privilege it is to observe teenagers begin to make their way in the world. The main message that came across from the podcast too was that if you can be warm, and have good rules – things will be okay. Sound advice that works in many areas of home life!

Introduction

There is a predictable pattern to teenage development, and understanding it makes it easier to guide and support our girls. (Whilst the advice in this book was directed at understanding teenage girls, much of it holds true for teenage boys too.) The teenage years do not have to be the proverbial roller coaster – they will surely have their ups and downs; but behaviour that may seem difficult or hard to understand can actually be evidence of progress and positive ground being covered.

One of the key concepts of this book is that if we can understand our teenagers’ behaviours better we can be more supportive, without becoming messily enmeshed in their daily lives. ‘Untangled, separate but completely present’, we can then learn when to let them struggle, and when to offer help. There are ‘many ways’ to get things right, which is reassuring to hear as a parent.

Communication tips throughout the book that I found helpful:

• The success of your conversations will sometimes depend as much on what you don’t say as what you do say.

• Try not to turn too many conversations into "teachable moments.

• Discuss potential issues in brief bursts of conversation – and get skilled at finding the right (comfortable) moments to converse.

• Look for opportunities to pass brief and thoughtful observations or comments.

• Do not lecture! (They will certainly zone out.)

• Don’t fixate on using the perfect words – you do know what to say – just always pay very careful attention to your tone.

• If you are asked a question in a sensitive area, answer only what you have been asked.

• Capitalize on when your teenager shares by asking a thoughtful question or two and offering a (non-judgmental) point, or two.

Here are the seven distinct developmental strands that teenage girls move through on their journey to adulthood. It’s important to remember that she is trying to achieve growth, and that going through these phases is important developmental work. (I have summarized from  my notes below, but there were many excellent practical and teachable examples throughout the book which I have not included. This is just an overview, and this book is well worth the read for the extra detail.)

Strand 1: Parting with Childhood

It makes sense that teenagers need to start to pull away to start their journey. We need to remember that within 5 or 6 years they may be leaving home, and pulling away is a practice for down the line for when they need to strike out on her own. They start feeling pressed to prepare, and will do so by removing or separating themselves from ‘childish’ activities. The urge to hold us at a distance is actually largely unconscious, and there is no intended malice in it.  It can be hard not to feel rejected – but it’s not personal. Healthy adolescence requires parents who can handle some rejection. We need to be durable, and be careful not to rely on our teenagers for emotional support.

Allow your daughter more privacy than she had as a child – teenagers want privacy for its own sake. Try to have family time in terms of a shared activity at least once a week – it helps to put this in place before they are teenagers. One on one time is also a good dynamic, and it helps not to be ‘needy’ in that time, but rather present and connected, even if it’s for a little bit. Aim to eat meals together throughout the week. (Research shows that family meals contribute to teenagers’ health, academic achievement and overall sense of well being). Car time can be a valuable ally (not having to face each other and having a time limit helps). Offering to lift friends can also give valuable insights – but we need to drive and listen rather than try to insert ourselves into the conversation. Sometimes the quality time together may not be an activity of your first choice, but go with it and be happy to be included.

Our teenagers have an allergy to questions when they are asked at the wrong time; or if we don’t really care about the answer and are just trying to connect; if the question is designed to pry; or is preplanned and does not allow the conversation to follow naturally. What works better are questions driven by genuine interest; specific rather than general questions; and being honest. We can also pick up on topics that they put on the table, and follow their lead to cover some ground.

Sometimes teenagers need reminding to ‘be polite’ with us and can be surprisingly open to correction – they actually know when they are misbehaving and will be feeling uncomfortable about it. Also, the receiving our assistance is based on their polite behaviour – that’s how the world works! Girls often aim the most severe meanness at their mothers. It’s okay to call them on it, but in a measured way – we also need reminding to be polite sometimes!

The swimming pool analogy explains how our teenagers will come back to us at the side for comfort, advice or support (at their choosing) but will also return to the work of parting with childhood with an abrupt push off the side again. Learn to expect this push and pull, and stand strong and available whilst you wait. There is rarely a need to dive in and go and fetch them. In terms of tasks we will need to move from doing things for her, to with her, to standing by, and then to letting her do them alone.

Girls will sometimes conduct digital experiments with parting with their childhood and will often need rules about what they can and can’t do online. The ‘Grandma’ rule is a good one – if she would be uncomfortable with her grandmother seeing or reading it then she should not post it. If they are growing up a bit too fast, it’s our job to slow them down and reign them in a bit – that’s how it goes!

Strand 2: Joining a New Tribe

As girls advance through adolescence we can expect them to loosen some of their close ties with their families, and strengthen their connection with their peers. They really come to count on these friendships as they grow up. Joining a tribe is not always easy for them, and memberships to a group of friends can be shaped by her interests, her academic achievements, her sporting commitments, her social status and her sense of personal worth. The fear of being ‘tribeless’ can lead to the idealisation of popularity, and also sometimes ‘settling’ for less-than-ideal tribes. All of this is hard to watch from the sidelines, but it’s important not to involve ourselves unnecessarily.

It helps to have conversations with them about whether someone is popular (well liked teens with a reputation for being kind and fun), or powerful (teens who hold social power but are indulged and feared). In terms of friendships, quality trumps quantity. We can try to help our daughters to master assertion – the act of standing up for oneself whilst respecting the rights of others by acknowledging and validating negative feelings, and suggesting alternatives to impulsive reactions. Even if they don’t take our advice they may benefit from the suggestion, which can help with their future responses to problems.

When she is struggling with politics within a tribe: recognize that it is not easy; help her with some distance ideas; and guide poor behaviour. If she is engaging in risky behaviour to maintain social ties; recognize that good kids can find themselves in bad situations, and that you can play your role by being the strict, intolerant parent if she needs you to. It is better for her to be safe than for her friends to think you are cool – stay firmly in your role as the boring, middle-aged parent, and remember that they actually count on us to react as adults. If she is stressed by the obligation to care for a friend who may be in trouble, help her to know when to go to an adult for help, and also when to draw some boundaries.

In many cases teenagers are more addicted to each other than social media, which is their way to build and maintain friendships without being together in person. But being online too much can affect their ability to create in-person relationships. To start with, when they first get their device,  there should always be supervision, and a strict, then loosened up approach depending on their online behaviour. The dinner table, family outings, short car trips can all be tech free zones, and as parents we need to model a better example when we interact with our devices in terms of where, and how often, we are on our phones.

Strand 3: Harnessing Emotions

The teenage years are a time of mood fluctuations and extreme opposites – we can expect love/hate, dependence/revolt, acknowledgment/embarrassment, independence/imitation. We can also expect her to be idealistic, artistic, generous, unselfish; and then self-centered, egotistic, calculating and irrational. Intense emotions tend to burst through. What our daughters broadcast in terms of emotions matches what they experience, so it is important to take her feelings seriously. We can work with the assumption that every teenager sometimes secretly worries that she is crazy. Complaining to us allows them to be lighter elsewhere, and sometimes our role is to absorb and to just be a witness, provided that the venting is civil. A teenager’s day at school is not easy – it is very full and demanding; and sharing feelings at home can allow them to cope better in public. Listen, and encourage venting rather than complaining.

Some teenagers externalize by getting us to have the feelings for them instead (by ‘dumping’ an undesirable outcome on us) – they want us to accept ownership of the emotion – for example; disappointment at poor results. Avoid taking immediate or urgent action, as over-reacting can make the situation worse. If we give it time we will usually find that they will take steps to correct the situation themselves; and they do need to learn to take ownership. When they experience hard feelings, we can acknowledge and validate the emotion, and not rush to solve – that is not always our role. ‘Is there anything I can do that won’t make things worse?’ puts the ball back in their court. Sometime just taking a break from a problem can be part of the solution.

There are lots of ways to cope with feelings, and not all of them involve talking. Girls sometimes  like to retreat to established base camps when the world feels overwhelming (baking, colouring in, stuffed animals, children’s movies or books). Coping by posting should be discussed and discouraged – digital technology can provide new ways to be horrible, and to manage painful emotions by retaliating rather than feeling. When experiencing an upset it is often better to go ‘off the grid’ and summon their own resources. Beware here of a tendency to be the helicopter parent, which can create over-dependence.

Strand 4: Contending with Adult Authority

Our teenagers gain a new perspective that leads them to start questioning age-given rank and authority. From age 11 already they start to think in abstract terms. They will watch us closely and notice that many of our rules are hypocritical, nonsensical and even self-serving. And so we should pause to think, before we lay down a rule. “Because I said so’ can no longer be a valid reason – they deserve more clarity. Make sure that our rules make sense – they may need an update or revision now that our children are older. When they question our authority, take them seriously and offer an explanation, or a compromise, or your agreement – we can grant them the joy of changing our mind, if they have approached the argument with common sense. Teens actually want to be clear on where the lines or boundaries are, and that they will be called out if they cross them. Having said that, it’s also healthy for teenage girls to find small ways to buck authority – they also need to practice their assertiveness on us, so that they can use it out there when they need to.

Being highly permissive is not helpful – we need to articulate and enforce limits. Teenagers can and do engage in dangerous behaviour – their wish to connect with their friends and be seen as cool in their eyes can readily trump better judgement. We can think carefully about our responses if our teenager tells us about the risky behaviour of their peers, as this can be an opportunity to have a constructive conversation. When dealing with poor behavior choices, focus more on discussion about the long-term dangers and risks than threats and punishment. This is an opportunity to offer the real reasons for our rules and get them to consider the actual hazards of risk taking rather than the logistics of defying authority.

Emotional Intelligence is defined by Dr Fonagy as ‘the capacity to reflect on our own thoughts, feelings and actions and to be aware of complex mental states – the wishes, beliefs and feelings – of the people around us.’ Teenagers are prone to having strong emotional reactions that sometimes override their better judgement. (Come to think of it, as adults – so do we!) Working our way through a conflict afterwards together through discussion can bring her back into balance, and build her emotional intelligence.

They will have to learn to deal with difficult teachers and adults (just as they may have to do in the workplace one day) and also learn that adults are human, and therefore imperfect. It can be helpful to acknowledge our ‘crazy’ spots – i.e. what sets us off (examples: tidiness, or punctuality) and recognize that they can have crazy spots too. When in a conflict, always respond in a civil manner – be fair and firm. No shouting – we must learn to control our anger. We can calmly discuss the bad outcomes that were luckily avoided and reiterate the reasons (safety) for our rules. Discipline should come with the opportunity to make things right again. Giving ways to make reparations (you messed up, but you can make it right) is the opposite of shaming (you are bad).

Constantly shifting rules create suffering. Our teenagers need us to be consistent and predictable, and can then learn to operate mainly within the parameters we set.

Strand 5: Planning for the Future

As a teenager, the craving for autonomy kicks in hard. We want to guide and support, but we don’t want our input to cause them to do the opposite of what we suggest. It takes time to grow up, and making mistakes comes with the growth. The internet and social media allow acting on impulses with ease, whilst creating a shareable record in the process. We should impress upon them the need to be cognizant of everlasting digital records that they can create with their posts. As they grow up we need to renegotiate how (and how often) we supervise their technology use. The path forward must be dependent on their behaviour thus far.

Research shows that girls as a group do better academically than boys. The areas of the brain associated with self-control develop more rapidly in girls (i.e. making it easier for them to sit quietly and read/build literacy skills). When it comes to schoolwork, teenagers have almost total control, and we have almost none. We can’t make them hand in assignments or actually write the tests for them. If they decide that we are over-involved or too pushy in this area – they can choose to hold back, so that they can fight for some control. The role of homework supervisor works against their need for autonomy. A good angle to cope with power struggles in this area is the angle of: Show us your maturity and good judgement at school, and we will let you exercise maturity when you spend time with your friends (in terms of where you can go and what you can do). Ask them to propose the marks they think they can get, and offer support if needed. Then revoke extra privileges if the results are not met, and communicate that this mirrors the realities of life after school too. When people are irresponsible in life, they lose their privileges. The rules are designed to keep them safe and the options open. Once the rules are set, we can maintain a united, almost indifferent front – be present, but the choice of the level of maturity of behaviour is up to them, now that the mutual expectations have been clarified. It’s about teaching them that people can make choices; and that those choices have consequences.

Don’t set your expectations too high: If your teenager takes responsibility for their work, exerts reasonable levels of effort and maintains a mostly positive attitude towards school, then they are probably getting the right academic results, for them.

Girls more than boys feel threatened in evaluative situations and struggle with test anxiety. Remember that some anxiety actually aids performance. Anxiety is often due to a lack of preparation and the research shows that the best way to retain information is to actively engage with test material and past papers, so encourage this. Maintain some perspective: a test measures our mastery of the material on the day of assessment. Acknowledging all this, as well as pointing out some relaxing breathing techniques (guaranteed to get an eye-roll in response!) can be helpful.

The most common parental complaint about teenagers’ academic habits is their procrastination – although it strikes me that this is also something we struggle with plenty as adults. Reasons for procrastinating include the preference for doing fun things; not appreciating the amount of time the work will take; and believing that we do our best performance under pressure. It’s okay to leave them to learn, and point out that next time they can choose to do things differently – you can let the natural consequences of procrastinating do their work.

Carol Dweck explains that a growth mindset is held by those of us who believe that our talents can be expanded with effort, and a fixed mindset leads us to believe that our abilities are static and cannot be changed. People (both teenagers and adults) with a growth mindset outperform those with a fixed mindset – we embrace rather than fear challenges; we welcome rather than feel threatened by feedback; and we feel inspired by rather than humiliated by talented peers.  It’s about celebrating effort over outcome – not empty praise, but appreciation of good habits and hard work. Be aware as a parent which category our reactions fall into.

Strand 6: Entering the Romantic World

Teenagers can be intensely private in this area. Our role is not necessarily that of confidant (they have friends for that) but more as a voice of reason and a balanced guide, in measured doses, over the teenage years. When adults discuss romance with teenagers we tend to focus on risk (heartbreak, mistreatment, unwanted pregnancies or infections) rather than what a positive and special thing romance can be. We should focus our discussions on what our teenagers want from a relationship, how to pursue that when they are ready, and also how to articulate and assert what they don’t want.

Teach perspectives on what romantic relationships look like (aside from demonstrating a healthy, respectful and loving example ourselves) through discussion of what is portrayed in the mass media and entertainment industries, and how much of that is accurate, and what stereotypes appear. We can teach our teenagers that they have an inner compass, and that inside they actually know what they feel like or want in this area. Romance can be a highly personal affair and will differ widely amongst teenagers, and whilst we should not expect or demand disclosure, we should keep seeking ways to discuss, in manageable bursts, the options and opportunities for positive romantic involvement, and the control that we each have in the decisions relating to them.

Strand 7: Caring for Herself

By this stage our teenagers are learning to make wise, independent decisions about their own health and safety. There is no more powerful force in our home than our teenagers drive for autonomy! It important that we understand what it is that we do that makes them disregard our advice, when we give it:

•  Lecture.

• Suspicious or accusatory tones.

• When we level moral judgements about ‘right’ or ‘wrong’.

• Overstating risks.

We can keep trying to frame any feedback or comments that we have from the angle of how they are taking care of themselves.

Eating habits: Live a good example ourselves, provide healthy and balanced food, and compliment healthy habits, but don’t lay down rules that you insist that she follows. Remember to stay out of conflicts where your daughter holds all the power (i.e. food, and schoolwork).

Sleep: Encourage separating her bed from homework and entertainment and keeping it for sleep; and sleeping separately from devices; and live a good example ourselves (both in  number of hours and separation from devices).

Drinking/Drugs: In any of these areas, a ‘series of conversations” can help us cover the ground in increments. Conversations about how alcohol impairs judgment (often in situations when we need good judgement most); how we are counting on them to take good care of themselves, and also them knowing that they may always ask for help in a wayward situation. Conversations about what is legal is not necessarily safe i.e. alcohol; and careful attention to our own behaviour with alcohol as an example. Conversations about drugs – highly addictive, incredibly hazardous and illegal for a reason.

Sex: Communicate that good sexual practice applies to all ages, not just to teenagers. Discuss risks, and engage with her as an equal; who is mature enough to manage the risks, and enjoy the rewards. The word ‘choice’ is so important here, and also impressing on them that sex and substances form a bad combination. Again, it’s about taking care of themselves, and their autonomy.

In conclusion:

When we stop taking our teenagers behaviour so personally, we can be better parents. A  balanced approach with less judgment and more understanding can help us to truly enjoy and empower our teenagers. After this helpful book I have a few new mantras, which include being loving, having clear rules, giving space, being more patient, and watching my tone.